Helping others can feel wonderful. Whether we support family, encourage a friend, volunteer, or lend a hand to someone who needs us, kindness can strengthen our relationships and communities.
However, there is a difference between choosing to be kind and feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy.
This week, we are beginning Step 3 of my 10 Steps to Self-Care Challenge:
“Don’t be a people pleaser.”
For me, this step isn’t about becoming selfish or refusing to help others. Instead, it is about recognizing when kindness turns into pressure, resentment, exhaustion, or fear of disappointing people.
KINDNESS AND PEOPLE-PLEASING ARE NOT THE SAME
Kindness allows us to give because we genuinely want to give.
People-pleasing, on the other hand, can cause us to agree to things because we are afraid of what might happen if we say no.
Perhaps you at once agree to a request before checking your schedule. Likewise, you might change your opinion because you want everyone to approve of you. At other times, you may take responsibility for another person’s happiness while ignoring your own needs.
Eventually, that pattern can become exhausting.
Therefore, one part of self-care is learning to pause before automatically saying yes.
ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU ARE SAYING YES
Before agreeing to a request, ask yourself:
“Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I afraid to say no?”
That short pause can help.
For example, you may realize that you have the time, energy, and desire to help. If so, your yes can come from a healthy place.
Alternatively, you may recognize that you are already overwhelmed. In that situation, agreeing could create added stress simply because you were uncomfortable disappointing someone.
Consequently, checking in with yourself before answering can help you make a more intentional decision.
PERMIT YOURSELF TO PAUSE
You don’t have to answer every request at once.
Instead, try saying:
“Let me check my schedule.”
“I need to think about that.”
“I’ll get back to you.”
Those responses create space between the request and your decision.
Additionally, a pause gives you time to consider your responsibilities, energy, and personal limits before making another commitment.
NOTICE WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR MIND
People-pleasing can also show up in our thoughts.
After saying no, you might replay the conversation repeatedly. Perhaps you worry that the person is angry or think you need to provide a long explanation.
When that happens, remind yourself:
Someone being disappointed with my decision does not automatically mean I made the wrong decision.
Of course, relationships require compromise. At the same time, healthy relationships also need honesty and respect.
PRACTICE ONE SMALL BOUNDARY
This week don’t try to change every people-pleasing habit at once.
Instead, choose one situation where you normally agree automatically.
When a request comes, pause.
Ask yourself what you genuinely want and what you realistically have the capacity to do.
Then respond kindly and clearly.
You can care about people without saying yes to everything.
You can help others without exhausting yourself.
Most importantly, you can be a loving person while still having limits.
As we begin Step 3, remember:
Being kind is part of who you are.
People-pleasing does not have to be.
References
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
Caring for Your Mental Health
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
American Psychological Association (APA)
Stress
https://www.apa.org/topics/stress
Mayo Clinic
Stress Management
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/basics/stress-basics/hlv-20049495
